Disclaimer: I don't own Illya, Napoleon, April, U.N.C.L.E., Mr. Waverly, T.H.R.U.S.H. or any of those fun things. I have no idea who owns them these days. They were originally created by Norman Felton. I'm just playing with them along with everyone else. :)

Date Written: 8/9/03

Author: Batwoman

They wiped the liniment from their eyes and ran out of the stables in time to see him drive away like a bat out of hell. Sighing they decided to go back to head quarters to clean up. After a shower and change of clothes, they were called to Mr. Waverly’s office. Once there, after reporting in on the failure of the last assignment, they received their next assignment.

“Renaissance faire sir?” Napoleon asked, not sure he heard right.

“That’s correct Mr. Solo.”

“Begging your pardon sir, but why are we going there?”

“It seems a Thrush courier is using it to pass along documents to other Thrush agents.”

“Uh, what kind of documents sir?”

“That’s what you’re to find out. The two of you are to go under cover as people that work there, that way you have complete access to the grounds. You Mr. Solo will be a knight, while you Mr. Kuryakin, will be his squire.”

For some reason, Illya wasn’t surprised to find Napoleon being cast as the knight in shining armor, but he wasn’t too thrilled with the idea of being his squire. Napoleon on the other hand, looked at Illya knowing just what he was thinking and smiled. Illya glared at him knowing that smug smile all to well.

“Do we know who the courier is, or where they are exactly?” Napoleon asked.

“Unfortunately we don’t have that information. That’s why you are going in as workers instead of visitors. Now get going. I want you to catch them this time.”

“Yes sir.” They said in unison and stood to leave.

On their way back to their office, Illya could see the look in Napoleon’s eye and knew what he was going to say.

“Don’t say it.”

“Say what?” Napoleon said giving him his best innocent look.

“Don’t give me that. I know you’re dying to give me a hard time about our cover.”

“What? I haven’t said anything.”

“No, but you were going to.”

“Aw come on. It wont be as bad as you’re making it out to be.”

Illya glared at him. “Easy for you to say. You’re the one that’s going to dress up in a suit of armor and ride around on a horse all day, flirting with the women, while I’m the one that’s going to do all the work, and fetch you your sword, lance, shield, helmet. No Napoleon, it’s going to be worse.”

Napoleon slapped him on the back. “Come on, sounds like fun. How hard could this assignment be? We’ll be outside all day and from what I hear, there’s lots of food at these things. Your kind of place.”

“Food and drink actually.”

“Wait a minute, how is it you know so much about this place?”

This time it was Illya’s turn to give Napoleon an innocent look. “What makes you think I know so much about it?”

“Don’t give me that. Something tells me you know more than you’re letting on.”

Illya didn’t say anything, he merely opened the car door and got in, letting a ghost of a smile cross his lips before Napoleon could see as he got in the passenger seat.

On the drive to their assignment, Napoleon continued to hound Illya with questions. He wanted to know exactly what Illya knew about this renaissance faire and how he knew it. Illya, however successfully dodged each question Napoleon threw at him. Getting tired of this, Napoleon looked at his partner, made a face, and said,

“Fine, if you want to play it that way, I can take a hint.” He turned to look out the window and didn’t say a thing for the rest of the ride.

The rest of the ride remained silent until they arrived at the faire. They got out and Napoleon looked around, noticing there weren’t a lot of cars in the parking lot, he thought this was going to be easier then he thought.

“Their only open on weekends.”
Lost in thought, Napoleon didn’t hear his partner. “What?”

“I said, they’re only open on weekends.”

“And just how do you know that?”

“So I’ve heard. Come on, we need to get inside and find Bob.”

“Bob? Some how that seems out of place here.”

Before Illya could say anything thing else, they were stopped by a female voice calling them.

“Illya!” They both turned, to find a blonde in her early 30s walking towards them arms outstretched as she approached Illya. Upon reaching him, she gave him a very enthusiastic hug, a hug that Illya returned just as enthusiastically, forgetting all about Napoleon for a moment. Napoleon just stood there watching in silence.

“It’s about time you came back, I haven’t seen you in ages.”

”Sorry, my job has kept me busy lately…” Napoleon cleared his throat before he could say anything more. “Oh I’m sorry, Kat, this is my friend Napoleon. Napoleon, this is Katherine Tilley.”

“Kat eh? It’s a pleasure to meet you.” He said raising her hand to his lips.

Illya cut him off before he could lay any more of his charm on her. “Kat, have you seen Bob? We need to find him.”

“Last time I saw him, Bob was over by the stables. You remember how to get there, or do you need a personal tour guide?”

“I remember, but maybe later you and I can catch up.”

“Sounds great.” She said giving him a big smile and wink as she walked off in the opposite direction. As an after though, “It was nice meeting you Napoleon.” She said as she waved to him.

Napoleon Knew his partner was secretive about his time away from UNCLE, but after the conversation he just heard, he had to know more. He made it a point to find out, even if he had to tie him down and torture it out of him. He eyed his partner as he walked, thinking of ways to get the desired information out of him.

“We’re friends.”

“Jus friends? So you wouldn’t mind if I asked her out?”
“I would mind actually. There are plenty of other girls here for you to ask out.”

“Are you sure, because I haven’t seen anyone other than your friend there?”

“Positive, now follow me. The sooner we find Bob, the sooner you can get suited up and start training.”

“Training? What do I need to train for?”

“Haven’t you ever been to a place like this before?”

“No I haven’t. How exactly is it you know so much about this place anyway?”

“I may have come a time or two.”

“Oh? Sounds like you’ve been around more than that, from what Kat said.”

Illya spotting their contact called to him to keep his partner from asking any more questions. “Bob!”

Upon hearing his name, he turned around to find, “Illya! Hey kid, haven’t seen you in a while. Where have you been?”

Bob was a fit man in his 40s, with a slight accent, who had been with the faire for years and was an avid joust enthusiast. His job at the faire was the joust director. He not only oversaw the knights, but he also choreographed them as well.

“I’ve been busy with work. Bob, this is my friend Napoleon, he’ll need to be suited up as a knight as well as learn the script and choreography.”

“Napoleon eh? Have you ever ridden a horse before?”

“Eh yes I have.”

“Good, then that’s one less thing you have to learn.” He turned to Illya and said, “What brings you here. Don’t tell me it’s work related?”

“I’m afraid it is. We’ve received word that someone is using this as a courier drop.” He then turned to Napoleon and explained just why Bob seemed to know what Illya did for a living. “He’s the only one here that knows. I trust him.” That last statement was all Napoleon needed. If his normally suspicious partner trusted someone, then he knew they were trustworthy. “You haven’t seen anything out of the ordinary around here have you Bob?”

“Afraid not, if I had, I’d have called you.”

“Ok. Why don’t you get Napoleon started while I have a look around.”

“Sure thing kid.”

“Don’t you need to “get started” as well?”

Hiding the grin that was tugging at the corners of his mouth, Illya said, “No. I’m you’re squire remember? It doesn’t take much preparation to fetch things for you and insult others.” Loosing the battle he gave a small smile, “After all, I do that now.” Napoleon made a face, but it was lost on Illya’s retreating back.

While Napoleon was being suited up in chain male and armor, Illya walked around the grounds looking for anything out of the ordinary. After a thorough search resulting in nothing, he decided to find Kat. After all, Napoleon would be tied up for a while still. So he decided to have a little fun. He set about finding Kat.

A while later, Illya looked at his watch and decided he should check in on Napoleon.

“You know, you never told me what you and Napoleon are doing here.”

“Oh, we thought we’d work here for a while.”

”Really? So, who are you going to dress as? A Nobleman?” Illya shook his head no. “Oh I know! A prince!” Again, a negative from Illya. “Ooooh, I’ve got it, a knight.” She purred. Illya smiled and shook his head no. “OK, what then?”

“A squire.” He said in an amused tone.

“A Squire? Why a squire?”

He shrugged and said, “Napoleon’s more the knight in shinning armor and since he’s never been to a place like this, I thought if I stayed close.” Not wanting to give her the real reason since she knew nothing of his life in UNCLE.

She thought about it for before replying, “That makes sense.” By this time, the couple made their way back to the joust field. They arrived in time to watch as Bob handed Napoleon a lance and instruct him on the best way of holding it so he could stay on the horse. Bob caught sight of the couple and set Napoleon on a practice run. One with no other knights around. He then walked over to the couple.

“How’s he doing?” Illya asked with a nod Napoleon’s direction.

Bob looked over his shoulder, and shouted, “Remember, to keep the lance balanced!” He turned back to Illya and said, “He’s a bit over confident, but he’s a quick study. A few days practice and she should be ready by Saturday.” At this point Napoleon guided the horse to the small group.

Napoleon dismounted, “So, how was your, ah, sight seeing? Find anything interesting?”

“No.” ‘Although not everyone is here today, so things may change on Saturday.’ He thought. As if reading his mind, Napoleon nodded in agreement.

“why don’t we call it a day? I’m sure you’re ready to get out of that suit of armor.” Bob said.

“That sounds good.” With that Napoleon went to the dressing rooms while Bob took the reins and led the horse back to the stable. Illya parted with Kat after securing a date for the next night. He then went in search of Bob to get his costume.

Once both agents were finished, they left and went back to HQ. There they parted ways and went home. The rest of the week was spent pretty much the same way. Napoleon in suit of armor trained to joust and eventually learn his line. Illya looked around, studied the script and spent time with Kat. They talked about the storyline, the people both old and new, and themselves.

Saturday morning they arrived bright and early. While Napoleon suited up, Illya made his rounds. He was dressed in black tights with a tunic in the colors of black and silver, the same colors that Napoleon wore. It was easier now that everyone was together at the same time. During the week, each day different people would show up, but never all at the same time. Not finding anything, eh went back tot eh dressing rooms and reported as much. Shortly before the faire opened for the day, Illya went in search of Kat to say good morning. Once the doors opened, they went about their work again. Both Napoleon and Illya kept an eye out while staying in character.

After the first joust, Napoleon decided to wander around. Having been too busy training all week, this was the first time he’d been able to check things out. One thing that caught his eye. He stopped to watch. A man stood behind a wall with circles cut out for his hands and head. He yelled insults at people as they threw tomatoes at him. He wondered about the people that would sign up to be the one to get hit, when an idea came to him. He smiled at the thought. Yes, he definitely liked that thought. As the say went on, he had more fun than heh thought he would. He spent a good part of the day flirting with all the women dressed in costume while keeping an eye out for any yellow bellied THRUSH. As the time drew near for the third and final joust, they were beginning to think the day was a total waste when Illya looked around the joust yard and couldn’t believe his eyes. He grabbed Kat as she walked by and asked who that was.

“Him? That’s Squire Will.”

“Squire Will? Why haven’t I seen him around all day?”

“I don’t know. He tends to do that though. He’ll get someone to fill in for him from time to time.”

“Interesting. Thank you Kat.” He kissed her on the cheek.

She winked and said, “Anything for you Squire Tom.” Then sauntered off. Illya allowed himself a moment to enjoy the view as the faire goers strolled over to the joust yard. He called for backup. As the joust drew closer, he jumped on the top rail of the fence and e explained to the crowd who they were cheering for, that from time to time he’d teach them things to yell at certain squires, etc. As he went through his lines, “Squire Will’s” group called over.

“HEY, SQUIRE TOM! YOU’RE MOTHER WAS UGLY! YOU’RE FATHER WAS TOO! IT’S NO WONDER THEY CAME UP WITH YOU!”

He turned to see “Squire Will” smiling with satisfaction. Illya glared at him then thought of how he’d get him back. He turned to his group and said, “OK now I want you to call out to Squire Will and say, Hey squire will… Go to hell-oooo. As you get tot eh second half of the word, wave. On the count of 3. 1 2 3” He turned toward to lead the group. “HEY SQUIRE WILL! GO TO HELL-OOOO!” As he did this, he became inspired by another one. He turned back to his crowd and said, :Ok no call to Squire Will and say, Hey Squire Will, you’re mother wears a blouse, your mother wears a skirt, and last night she left them at my house. Got it?” At the crowds collective yes, he turned to lead them in the insult. Pleased with the result he turned to face the crowd. He jumped down from the fence, grabbed 2 small wreaths of flowers with ribbons hanging from them and went in search of 2 maidens to give them as gifts to the knight. Spotting the perfect ladies, Illya smiled and walked up to 2 young ladies. He knelt down in front of them and asked what their names were. They smiled and looked at their mom who smiled and said it was ok.

They shyly said each, “Melissa.” “Amanda.”

“Well then, Melissa and Amanda, I’m going to give you these and when the knight comes over, I want you to each put them on his lance. Understand?” They nodded. “Good. I’ll come and get you when it’s time.”

“OK.” Melissa said.

The knights rode in on their horses shortly after that. Illya walked up to Napoleon and pointed to “Squire Will”. Napoleon looked around as if he was checking out the crowd when what he was really looking for/at was “Squire Will”.

“It can’t be. I thought he was locked away someplace unpleasant.”

“It seems he didn’t like the accommodation and left.”

“So it seems. I guess we’ll just have to make sure he doesn’t leave next time.”

”Not now though, you have a joust to perform.”

“So, have you found a couple of maidens for me?” He smiled.

“Don’t worry.” With that Illya watched the joust. He was surprised at how well Napoleon was doing. Normally it took well over a week to get to the point Napoleon was at. As the third joust got started, it was time for the maidens to give their knight a gift. Illya jumped into the crowd and took the 2 girls by the hand and led them to the fence. He fist picked up Melissa and helped her place the small wreath on the lance. Napoleon smiled and she smiled shyly. He then placed her on the ground and picked up her younger sister in the same manor. The joust went on.

Illya was the first to notice when Napoleon came back around to stop, Illya pointed out what he saw. Napoleon looked over to fin the “Squire” talking to none other than Angelique. The two U.N.C.L.E. agents looked at each other and knew this had to be it. They watched as the drop was made then they went into action. Napoleon rode after the “Squire” while Illya ran after the retreating figure of Angelique.

The “Squire” saw Napoleon, grabbed a mace and swung at him effectively throwing him off balance, which resulted in him falling off the horse. He stood up, picked up a discarded sword to even things out with the “Squire’s” newly acquired sword. They fought, the crowd cheered thinking this was al part of the show.

Meanwhile, Illya was in hot pursuit of Angelique. Just as he got close to her he was momentarily stunned by a punch that came out of nowhere. He shook it off to find a THRUSH goon ready to strike again. He knew he needed to get Angelique and the package, but his path was blocked by a big, ugly THRUSH thug. The decision to stay and fight was made when the THRUSH thug hit him again. He hoped backup arrived in time to catch her.

Back at the joust, the “Squire” managed to stun Napoleon long enough to escape himself. Napoleon shook it off, and saw the “Squire” run back towards the stables. He looked around for his horse, mounted it and rode off in search of the “Squire”. Spotting him in the stables, Napoleon steered the horse in that direction.

Illya, getting tired of the fight, fought back with renewed vigor. After landing several strategic blows, he was finally able to knock out the brut. As he stood and fought to catch his breath, he was rewarded with applause. Heh looked up to find Mark and April among them. He glared at them and said, “Come on, Napoleon was fighting the other one when I went after Cruela there.” He nodded toward Angelique.

Napoleon jumped off the horse and tackled the “Squire”. The combination momentum and added weight of the armor knocked him out cold. Napoleon stood up and brushed off his suit.

“I see you have Sleepy. We brought Grumpy and Ugly. Looks like our work here is done.”

Before Napoleon could say anything they heard a voice call out “SORRY ABOUT THAT!” seconds before he felt it. Berrywise and from what it felt like, an entire keg had been dumped on his head. They all looked up to find 2 rather drunk faire workers holding onto the now empty keg for dear life.

“Well, since you have everything under control, I’m off.” With a wave of his hand, Illya left in search of Kat. He found her behind the vegetable justice. They stepped inside the big wall unit for some privacy. When Illya heard his name a few minutes later, he stuck his head out the big circle and came in contact with a tomato. Before he had a chance to say anything, he was pelted with 2 more. 1 right after the other. He was finally able to open his eyes to find a grinning, still suited and dripping Napoleon standing 15 feet away.

“What was that for?”

”The Youth Center. Although, if you ask me, I still owe you.”

Illya didn’t like the sound of that, he pulled his head back behind the wall, grabbed Kat’s hand and made a clean getaway.

TAG!